On a jet plane...
The date is set: February 24th I will be moving to Oak Harbor, WA from Shittown, Wisconsin!!!!!
30 days counting tomorrow.
Still hasn't quite hit me yet. I'm very tired though. More to come later :)
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Disarm me.
I want to punch someone right now. Or some thing. Or cause some major damage. It's taking every little bit of me not to start throwing shit around, screaming at the top of my lungs, and hurting myself in the process.
Why?
I don't quite know why. Nothing significant happened to make me start feeling this way. It has been more low key but the past couple days I've been so very irritated with everything. I just want to be left alone.
I'm just fed up with everything. I just want to get up and move somewhere and not let anyone know about it. Vanish without a trace. Go somewhere else. Maybe make some friends who will appreciate me. I don't know
Fuck. Depressed much? The fact that I would be fine laying around or in bed all day not talking to anyone is a little unnerving.
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Wanderlust
I'm officially going to visit my friend who's in the Navy in Washington State from Jan 4th-13th. Those dates just won't come fast enough. Maybe this is finally my ticket out of here. My mom of all people said she'd pay for my ticket to go back and stay if I decided to! Shit, man. It's a pretty good offer. But when I'm there for a week I'll do my surveying and detective work and decide. Hopefully it'll be a yes. I'm sick of the bullshit here in WI. I know it's inevitable where ever I go, but whatever.
Extreme case of wanderlust.
Trying to finish this semester. Math is kicking my ass as usual. Anyone else dyscalculiaic out there?
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Sock-coffee
I went out for coffee tonight with an old friend I haven't seen in 2 years. He's in town, but I've always blown off his phone calls. This makes me sound like a horrible person. I'm the only 'friend' he has here in town (he's originally from Texas), he says. I feel bad, but every time we do get together, we talk about the same stuff all the time and it gets tiring. Tonight wasn't too bad, though. He's a very nervous/anxious person so he'll rattle on and on, and usually I don't mind listening what he has to say. He's a good guy. So it was nice to see him again.
So anyway, we got on the conversation on how he doesn't have a coffee maker. Instead he boils water on the stove and uses instant coffee. I asked him if he's ever put grounds in a sock. He hasn't.
Wouldn't you be drinking sock fuzzies?? Ha!
I pick the fuzzies off my socks all the time so maybe my socks are the best. Then you wouldn't be drinking fuzz.
I'm going on a quest to see who has tried it.
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Sucking blood.
Okay so I wasn't thinking. Or maybe my calendar is wrong. But I've accepted some hours to work tonight from 10:30pm-1am and then just an hour ago (late, I know), I looked on my calendar and saw that I was signed up for 6am-9am tomorrow morning as well. But if Bev, the lady who asked if I could help out tonight knew that I worked those hours she probably wouldn't have called me, you know.
Shit. I'm not going to do this all the time. That's only about 4hrs of sleep, if that, in between. So, hopefully when I work tonight (in about 20min), I'm going to ask them if they really, absolutely need me tomorrow morning, and if not, then I'm not going in.
I just got hired with this other company (that is in the same building as the clinic I work at) and I don't even have the "new hire" paperwork to them yet. I'm turning in that crap tonight. So technically I'm not even an employee with them yet.....I could refuse to work tomorrow if I wanted.
But I need the money. I'm not sure how much they're really paying me, either. I think about $13/hr or a little more (hopefully). After all, it's drawing workers' blood for health screenings.....
Other than this shit, my life has been pretty damn uneventful. Saturday night, I rented Cactus Flower, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and Bonnie & Clyde to take to my Nana's to watch with her. Ended up staying overnight. Did a little homework. Worked Monday. Went to school today. Big deal.
No drama. Which I'm glad I don't have any (regarding relationships or people for that matter), really anyway.
Yep. My life is great.... . Sure.
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Nutmeg
I'm really stressed out. I had to sign up for a 3rd class, and now I just got hired at a 2nd job. Juggling this and art commissions isn't very fun. But I must try to get by--I absolutely need to graduate this Fall....and if I have to work less/be even more poor, so be it? Hm. And no road-trips! Speaking of, my friend says she doesn't owe me anything. I might as well kiss that $30 goodbye.
I'm picking out success and financial spells. Here's a good one:
Candle Spell - Nutmeg
Dress and carve green candles.
Sprinkle with powdered nutmeg and burn.
pg:809 The Element Encyclopedia of 5000 Spells
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plein air
i have math class tomorrow. joy.
then im going to try out my new camera tripod to put my Pochade box on and maybe paint outdoors if it's nice. looking forward to that. maybe i'll go out to my Nana's since she lives on a small lake. yes.
in other notes...i'm feeling quite lonely. tomorrow is ladies'night free beer and all at one bar and i doubt i'll go because there is no one to go out with anymore. oh well. i should just retract, again, into my shell.
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You're intangible, untouchable..
Ani Difranco - Untouchable Face
"think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
'cept maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do
tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a better half
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together
so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be vying for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much..."
So yeah...the song above. Fits my little moment right now. It is troubling me. I'm trying to keep my mind off my ex who recently came back from his Tour, he's engaged, and he had to call me tonight. Didn't talk about anything spectacular, though.
And I was going to take a nap too. Now I'm wide awake.
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Alone
I'm sick of having no, if few, friends to go out with on weekends. My 'girl-friends' either have an 'other', or is in another city, or in another state, has kids to tend to, or is pregnant. And as for guy-friends, basically the same thing other than the pregnant thing, of course. This is getting so fucking frustrating; I just want to run around and punch everything in sight, whirling around until I fall and pass out. I'm sick of it.
Believe it or not, I actually called my mom to see if she wanted to go out tonight for a few with me. She was busy watching movies and said no. I knew she would decline anyway and she acts older than her age (38). I even asked my aunt if she would like to and she said that she ''thinks she's getting to old for such a thing'' (she's only 49).
Here I am, 21 going on 50 here...feeling like there is no one to chill with. I dont' see myself as square. Maybe I'm just a destined loner? I should have accepted this by now but somedays I just fucking can't. I'll admit I want someone near sometimes. I'm saving money, but I'd like to go out for 2 or 3. That's all. To be around people. Last night I went to a truckstop restaurant by myself, to get out of the house, to be around people. The odd comfort of jumbled voices, muffles my own in my head for awhile.
I've put Ads on craigslist. I've dialed every number I could think of--only once, though, I don't want to be annoying--and still no luck. Whatever.
I confess, also, that it has been quite a long time since I've recieved a nice hug...not one of those stiff-as-a-board hugs from someone. I want a real one, thank you, that lasts more than 2 seconds with meaning to it. Maybe that is too much to ask. Thing is, I'll never ask for it. I just long for someone to do it first. Pathetic.
....
I miss my friend Dennis--who is across the country in WA in the Navy--a lot. It's mutual that we like each other but we're doing our own things so there is no pressure, which is nice. I just don't think anything will ever happen between us though. A half of me cares, and a half of me doesn't. I'm thinking about girls more lately, anyway.
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Profess....?
My friend just professed his feelings towards me. I, myself, have no feelings towards anything at the moment. That in itself is sad. Anyway, point being: What do you do when a close friend says this to you. Belligerently drunk, says these things he'll most likely regret in the morning. While I worry about him. I have and made things ''lay low'' for a long, long time.
I believe everything he said though.
I think that is what bothered me the most. No, Nicki, you're not supposed to feel. You're just not. But I felt his pain. I'm greately disturbed and worried right now about my friend. How can I be this person that he greatly admires? What is it about me? But that is besides the point. I just hope he will be okay. I'm sure he will. I just don'tknow if I'll be too scared off.
I'm easily scared off if I'm approached to too strongly.
Maybe I'm the one that's messed up.
I have had ac ouple drinks in me.
But this outbreak of his really scares me. Maybe I should'nt be friends with anyone if this is going to happen. If I make people have breakdowns. I care about him too much to cause him that pain. What pain he vocalized.......it was haunting.
Truely haunting.
We'll see what happens. I'm hoping he won't remember it. He seemed so sick.
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